Today has been a rough day full of emotions.
This afternoon, I lost our child. Our sweet little baby who we have been so
excited about, shouting from the rooftops, our precious bundle of joy-gone. I
went for an emergency OB appointment to have the ultrasound and the whole 9
yards done, just so it was medically confirmed. It was hard, very hard. I
didn’t really hit me until I was home with my boys that I have lost one of
them, an actual child. A baby sister/brother the boys will never get to meet, a
precious baby that I won’t feel that little warm hand wrap around my
finger. I will never get to kiss those
sweet feet and compare her looks to ours. I feel like my heart has been ripped
out of my chest, I want her back. We haven’t told the kids and I don’t think we
are. If Bentley keeps asking about his “baby seester” then we will figure out a
way to tell him, he’s just still too young to understand.
Not
only does this hurt physically; I never knew how emotionally hurt people would
be after something like this, and now I know. It hurts. You have this maternal
relationship when you’re pregnant that most Moms feel. That attached feeling
only you and baby have. When that attachment is taken away from you in matter
of seconds, you feel alone. Although, my heart is aching, I am blessed that
Hubs and I had this much time with her.
Now is the waiting game for my body to pass
everything else after baby. As I go to the bathroom, I am constantly reminded
and my body hurts. My body is reacting like it does after birthing a child,
except I don’t have my child. It knows there is something foreign in it, so it
is contracting to pass out the old.
I’m not angry, nor do I blame God because
this was His plan and His child I would have been borrowing from Him; God’s
gift to me wasn’t quite finished. He blessed us this short time to love and get
to know another child before he took her along.
Hubs seems to be doing fine, we really
haven’t talked much since this afternoon. I’ve kept to myself in bed praying,
thinking, and crying. Tomorrow starts a new day with only reminders of today. God
has a purpose and He knows why He called her home. When the OB told me the news, I
only thought of this verse and how wonderful it fits. “Naked I came
from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has
taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised.” (Job 1:21 NIV)
You
never said you're leaving
You
never said goodbye
You
were gone before I knew it,
And
only God knew why.
A
million times I needed you,
A
million times I cried.
If
love alone could have saved you,
You
never would have died.
In
life I loved you dearly
In
death I love you still
In
my heart you hold a place,
That
nobody could ever fill.
It
broke my heart to lose you,
But
you didn't go alone
For
part of me went with you,
The
day God took you home.
I
didn’t get to feel you kick, or look into your eyes. I didn’t hold you in my
arms, or hear your little cry.
I
didn’t get to see your smile, or even know your name. But, you’ll always be my
baby and I love you just the same.
-The Random Babbling Mom
