Discouraged

I wasn't able to blog yesterday, I was too busy. I didn't have a good day yesterday, nor today. It all started out so stupid...over diapers. I had asked Christian to get the size 3 diapers out of the attic, so I could see if they would fit Bentley (his 2's are getting tight). He didn't want to, so I had said, I will get size 3's and if they don't fit then we will go buy more 2's (because I was going shopping anyway). He got upset, fussed, and called me a "spoiled brat." Now, he NEVER calls me names much, but since his mom loves to call me "spoiled brat" and other names I can't post-she has rubbed off on him. I know hate is a strong word, but that's how I feel towards her. God is supposed to be the center of our marriage, but SHE is the center of ours because Christian let her in. I don't know where the Christian I met 2 years ago is, but I miss him. He has put MIL first almost every time, I have become bitter. I thought I was his wife...
After he called me that, I decided that Bentley and I would go shop ourselves because I hate feeling put down. I had a whole day planned out for Christian and I, I miss having a day with him. I have planned 3 nice date days with him and either he ruined them or MIL did by running her mouth. It has been almost 4 months since he and I have had a date together. I have to begg him to do something with me and then it never works out. I know it's not always his fault, but I feel like there is something wrong with me or I'm not fun anymore. I'm tired of begging my husband to spend time with me and I'm not going to do it anymore.
  So when I went shopping to go buy ME some jeans, I felt spoiled and selfish for doing so. When someone calls me something, I become self-conscious. I am still in maternity clothes because I haven't lost my baby weight and even the maternity clothes are getting too tight! All I want is to be OUT of maternity clothes because I feel so discouraged because I'm not like my friends who have dropped back down to pre-baby weight. I am not comfortable with my figure-nor do I even want to be intimate because I feel like Christian thinks I'm gross. He says I'm not and he loves me the way that I am, but when he puts his Mom first and tries to angry me, I can't help but feel that way. Instead of getting me clothes, I bought him 3 pairs of jeans...he needed some anyway.


Today, we went to Cow Patty Bingo...boring. After that, Bentley has decide to fuss for hours straight! I don't know why-maybe he is feeling my emotions...? Although, I am uncomfortable with myself and stressed, I go grab the No Bake Cookies I baked. I am a very emotional eater as it is, and here lately-all I want to do is eat. Bentley first and then food. I feel like I have no one to turn to or talk to anymore, which that includes my Husband. I am happy, I really am, but I grudge with my hurt. So when I brought the cookies and sat down, opened the computer to blog, Daddy makes a rude comment about me eating junkfood/chocolate. Instead of beating around the bush-just tell me it makes you sick to watch me eat and I need to lose weight. I hate when people make comments to you about what you eat. I feel like I want to eat in a closet because I don't want anyone watching me because it's embarressing. When I feel unimportant, food is my comfort. I threw the cookies in the trash and went through my closet of what I can and can't wear. Let's just put it this way-I could fit all of my clothes in 3-4 closets...now, I have MAYBE 20 things that could fit me. Goodwill is on my list to stop at tomorrow.

Sorry for venting, just had to talk to someone. Have a good night.



Megan